Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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