I love black thongs
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
did i walk over a car last night?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
