I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
