i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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