Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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