The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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