I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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