and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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