thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
