Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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