my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
