She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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