I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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