thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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