I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm too high and old for this...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
