She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
