anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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