when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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