Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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