I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize