how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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