My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
