Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
