Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
