I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
