is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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