I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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