Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
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I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
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k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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