Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
