I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
