I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
