She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
