When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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