i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
