Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
