I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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