If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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