I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
