I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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