Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
