Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
