I need to stop coming to work sober
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
