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Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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