im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
