I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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