my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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