I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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