It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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