running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
