found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
