At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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