Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
