Cold hands, warm shart.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
