just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
