hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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