Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
