it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
high people should be assigned attendants
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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