I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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